They say you love 4 times in a lifetime

I just want to know if that's true. 

I know the moment that I'm truly in awe of someone. I know when I like them. 

I recently got lost on the way home from dropping off my sibling to work and stumbled onto a place I recognized. It felt so sad but happy at the same time. 

Then I saw it. The apartments that I fell for my gamer. It's strange cause many of the people I have dated were into video games. It was different. 

He enjoyed the games that I liked and didn't judge me for it. We shared the same taste in anime and manga as well. Even the corny ones. We had a curiosity for education and working. There was always a conversation to have along side the bed talk. 

We met quite a few times. We actually talked on facebook. We chatted a lot.. and I can say that it was almost constantly after we were introduced to each other. It was like a click of a best friend I lost. We talked and talked. The deeper the conversations got the better the sex was. 

The sex was so stimulating and fun. Something about hiding it from everyone made the thrill all worth wild. He liked control. He liked to control the situation and by that I mean he liked to have the place all to himself. Just us there. Made sure there were no distractions. 

It was so fun and then it wasn't. 

It became terrifying.

This apartment was right off of a freeway entrance and was on a slanted hill that led into a cul de sac. 

It was a cute, very nice apartment complex. No one ever complained about our noise.. 

This day was different. When I came in and we did the dirty deed. We laid in his bed. 

I talked to him about the action figures and the games that were being released at the time. Then I joked about taking a picture with him. I tried to take a selfie trying to convince him and he just wouldn't let me. He had said that he looks like a mess and that it wouldn't be worth it.. That's he's not all good looking anyways. He wrestled me down. It was playful like in the movies. 

He did catch me. I ended up laid over him with my head on his chest. He was breathing heavily and I can just hear his heart beating so fast. When we locked eyes... It was different.

We made love. I know it just sounds so fucking corny. I mean it looks disgusting typing it so I can only imagine someone reading that. ew. 

It was though. It was passionate and we were in total sync. 

We were silent afterwards. He walked me out after I packed my bag.

He was still shirtless and put on his button up . He didn't button it. 

He stood outside the front door peering over the little fence gate way that is framing the sidewalk. 

I walked down the side walk and onto the curb. I felt his eyes piercing my back and it just felt so weird.

When I turned to open my driver side door I looked up at him again and we caught a look at each other. I felt it. I know he felt it too.

It was love. We both felt it and we were too god damn scared to say anything so he let me run away.  

And that's what I did

Blue Spiked Hair

I spent the night at Sycuan Casino and Resort last night. We have reserved Thursday night at 3pm to 11am the following day. Sycuan Casino is inland in the native american land. On the way there we pass by a community called Jamul, I drove my mom and myself to the casino to check in. We did some errands like go to Seafood city for some groceries..minor things and then we went to Walmart for something. My mom was looking for olives.It was hilarious. She didn't know what they were called and what the differences were in the kinds of olives. I tried my best to explain the differences but I don't know much about them either. After these chores we went home for about thirty or so mins maybe an hour. we got ready and packed up for the night waiting for us. Dropped by Ralph for some drinks and also picked up some cash! Apparently there is an expensive ATM fee.

We were driving there and it takes about 25 to 30 mins to get there.

I drive slower in this area because I'm not familiar with the ridiculously long and wide roads. The rules for outdoorsy roads are different so i keep my lights on just in case. Just so that people know that we are driving,

We make a couple turns that I remember by landmarks. Its two right turns.

The first one always made me remember someone pretty close to me when I was little. 

We turn right on the three way intersection that is directly in front of a cemetery. Singing hills cemetery. 

His name pops up in my head when I see the cemetery sign. I asked my mom if she remember him but she didn't. She wasn't good with names..maybe that where i get that from. 

I got a little choked up talking about him because he was so special to me in my heart.

His name is Steven.

This guy was one of the one american white boys at my school when I was growing up.He was different and I liked his vibe but we didn't speak to each other. It was more like passing by each other. I knew who he was because he was the youngest son of the best physical education teacher ever. 

I think I knew that he was going to be special to me and that he was going to break my heart. I knew even though I didn't really know. 

I'm not too sure how we got close as friends.. Too the point where he was my best friend. I remember he would stick up for me when the other boys would make fun of me. It wasn't just the boys though. The girls were much worse. He helped me pull through even though I was so aggressive in showing my interests in him. I really loved him. I just had no idea what that meant at that time. 

I was way to young to even realize anything.We were always playing   and joking around. It was great because he wouldn't go easy on me just because I was a girl. He was a dare devil and a thrill seeker. OH and his favorite color was blue. He would crayola marker his beautiful bright blonde hair with blue every chance he got. I just remember him looking at me the first time he did it. He was so proud and had to show me first. 

I cried downstairs. It felt like a ton of bricks fell on my heart. I couldn't bare the thought of seeing his tomb stone and now I'm regretting that I haven't. It's so close and I've passed it way too many times. 

It feels like no one knows who i am in his life. 

But he was so special to me. He was really the first love I truly felt in my life that didn't make me feel like a disgusting person. He accepted that I liked to play video games, and that I don't play nice and cute with dolls at recess. He made me feel comfortable in my clothes and who I was when I was little. 

I kept crying. I will still cry for him, My eyes always swell up when I even think about him. It makes ne so sad that I feel the sore and aching in my heart right now. 

I loved him with everything I had. 

He called me every summer. It was very often it was usually once or twice.He was always busy with sports and his new school. I didn't want to bother him with my dumb stories . 

I just remember him telling me that he would like to see me for high school graduation. We talked for hours and when we had to call it a night it was a promise. 

Promise no matter what that we would see each other at high school graduation. 

He didn't call. 

I got scared and called him.

And like that he was gone. February 4 2007

x

Happiness

This guy that I met almost a year ago wandered into my life in the strangest way, and I'm so darn glad he did.
He's the best thing that has happened to me. He makes me happy from within ... Just genuinely happy. He makes me squeal with joy like a girl screaming for their favorite boy band.
I just look at him and he makes everything in me light up with joy and happiness. He's my warmth. Comfort. Pain pill. Relief. Best friend.