I just want control. And answers. And I just don't know what to do. I think I'm in love and it hurts like fucken hell. It's honestly the only thing I want right now.Why can't I kiss you? I want to know why I can't go near your face without you flinching, or feeling embarressed. We've been at this for almost four years. And now you think kissing might create an emotional attachment? Sigh* What does that even mean? Does that mean that you've fallen for me, and you don't want to fall for me? You're just too focused on that girl, it makes me so depressed how you can "look" at her in that way. But you can't see me that way. Out of anyone I know, you know best that no matter what happens between us, I will never leave you as a friend. And yet you don't want to try? I'm just the other girl. Like always. I feel so unstable and annoyed about almost everything, I'm so afraid of fainting from starvation, because of my excess exercise and how I just don't feel hungry. I just feel a horrible stomach ache and I just eat something so that it can go away. I'm afraid of my health, my body, my emotions, how I'm piecing everything together.

I feel bad for my parents going to a far off CC like Cuyamaca. Sigh. I just feel like I'm wasting gas. I'm thinking about just going to SouthWest for the fall. Because of how close it is, and plus it's super close to my job. I need my career as fast as possible. I hate that I have to rush, but I don't have a choice if I want my siblings to do anything. Or if I want to finally move out.