Happy Birthday

Happy 20th Birthday Steven.

I know you’re probablly asking why I’ve taken so long to talk to you. After six years I can finally speak up. I never really talked about you in detail to anyone or wrote a single thing about you since I found out that you’re gone. I always thought that someone was fucking with me and doing some kind of joke. Like one day you’d ring my door bell and pat my head telling me I’m a fool. When I heard that you had passed from your mother on the phone that same year on a hot summer night I screamed at my sister to stop messing with me. I yelled at her. I yelled at everyone. I kept tearing saying that none of it was true. I know you’re going to be so mad at me. I did so much bad things to avoid facing the truth about you.. and every conflict that came my way. Facing the fact that you were gone, discovering the lies and faults in my family, trying to know who I was and why I felt things for both women and men.  I truely wish that you were here to guide me like you did when we were kids. Steven I’ve done so much stupid and horrible things that I can’t erase and it keeps repeating in my head. I miss your comfort and your sincere care for me. The reason I would ditch everyone when you visited the school was because you were everything to me and still are. No matter how old we were getting and no matter what I was doing you were always on my mind. I would wonder what you were up to and if your new school you transfered to was good enough to your standards. If I heard teachers talking about your mom visiting the campus I would run my ass up to the office to see you. I still cry about how you were the first to break my shell. I still cry because I was the damn ugly duckling in our grade and yet you liked me and you’re the one who got me to realize that I’m a girl. I fell for you hard. I fell for everything. The golden blond hair that you tinted green with markers, your brilliantly blue eyes, and quirky smile with straight pearly white teeth and that slight tilt you would do when you looked at me. I fell for fucken everything. I remember you perfectly. I see you in my dreams all the time. Usually just sitting there as I’m walking into this same cafe. You’re reading the newspaper from under your cup of coffee and staring out into the street. And every time I’d call out your name you would turn and have a perfectly molded dirty blonde swirled spiked up do and your cocked head and you’d shine your smile. And I would wake up crying. each and every damn time. And I’d want to sleep. I really want to sleep.
I didn’t cry these past six years. But for some reason you’re hitting me so hard this year. And I’m finally admitting you’re gone. As much as I hate to admit it.. you’re gone. You promised a graduation dinner Steven. You’re two years over due looser. I miss you.

And most of all I Love you. Still. Always and forever.

Your first girlfriend, Christal