Past

I woke up this morning feeling sad. Just overwhelmed with sadness. So I get up and head to the bathroom and I go pee. As I'm trying to wake myself on the toilet tears start rolling and when I'm done and facing myself in the mirror I'm breaking down. For some reason I remembered when I looked at myself. I kept smearing the tears from my eyes and it just got stronger. The feeling made me feel so helpless like I was.. and still am in a way. I only start crying because it was what I wanted. The dream I woke up from. It was exactly  what I wanted to happen in real life. I know I deny it and show fear.. and disgust when people discuss it with me.

Marriage. 

It's not the greatest conversation if it's directed to me. But you know what? I'm going to blog about my dream. I'm not sure where it started.. duh. It's a dream. Okay so I'm in some kind of event with some friends. My best friend Jen, her boy, the band girls Chenelle and Gabby. We're just fooling waiting on our other friends to show up to this event. As always we start to pick people out of the crowd and tease them a bit or make up some dumb story.The speakers from the performances are blasted so loud we are practically yelling at each other. But we don't seem to care what is being announced.. Or at least I wasn't concerned. So I keep going at it. And all of a sudden one of them looks at me and says "Hey.. I think we need to listen." And I shrug them off. But I don't start listening till I start to recognize the voice.. and I start to say "who cares" or something like that but I'm shocked.. And I hear

" ... long story. I can't believe that it took me so long to see it. She's been there for me since day one we met, and I don't think I should have ever done anything bad to her. But I did. I continuously hurt her and put her into horrible positions... I know you're out there. " At that point I'm looking right into his eyes. He's on some kind of stage for some dumb reason. He's acting so stupid.. standing there.. talking through a mic. And he probably didn't even know I was there. He was guessing. He was gazing right at me with the most sincere look. Like he's totally love struck. And that's when it hit me. It was fake. I knew I was in a dream or something but I go along.. Because deep down I wanted to hear this. 

" I'm sorry that it took seven or something years for me to realize this..."

And I look at him.. "what about your girlfriend? " He looked down and smiled.. 

"You don't need to worry. " and he gets on his knee..

I can feel my face set fire. maybe I was pink. and I was super shocked. Him. Admitting this.

and he looks at me with just a normal diamond ring in an annoyingly obnoxious gold colored box.. perfect.

"Will you marry me? " and he flashed his amazing adorable smile.. 

That's when I wake up. It was the first time I ever had a dream about proposal. I never wanted to get that kind of dream ever. Now I just want to bury it. Because it's hopeless to have these thoughts.

He is my past. Forever in my past. And I hope he doesn't come crawling back so I can finally get better.

But I also hope he is endlessly madly in love with me as much as I am for him.