Love

It's not like I hated hiding our relationship or anything. I knew it had to be kept.
I think the part that hurts me is that last kiss. It was the realist thing I've felt in so long. It was real. You didn't have to get drunk or high to call me and see me to talk and what not. You were your complete normal calm self with the stupid puns and sarcastic humor and intellect. I loved that you didn't have to be fucked up to work up the nerve to see me.. date me.. When it started you were sober. By the end you were fucked up.. twisted.. out of your damn mind. But that kiss. I know it was real and I know it was real to you too. I felt real genuine love. And I haven't felt that way since I talked to my first bf. I keep trying to talk myself out of thinking it was real. But I just know it was. You finally let me in.. and I think it scared you because it didn't turn out the way you wanted. You let me kiss you and you felt that. That spark lit. And you were expecting that it wouldn't be there. The way you kissed me was what every fan fucken girl could of dreamed.
Leaning over from the passenger side of the car when you're going to drop me off. My left hand on the arm rest, and my right balancing on your left shoulder and as I lean in to kiss you your face seemed at ease. and relaxed. And our lips touched and as I'm about to pull away to leave just a peck on your lips  I felt you push forward to continue. It got intimate and you raise your hand to my check and start to rush your fingers through my hair. That was when I had to pull out of this trance. and when we stopped... I was stunned to see that look that is still stuck in my head.. on repeat. Your face mesmerized in love even with your hand still up to where my face was. Your eyes were dilated and your checks were flushed. You licked your lips and coughed as soon as you realized. and said bye without looking at me when I opened the car door to walk to my front door.
After that. I didn't hear from you. I didn't hear from you until late that year. And it started again. The only difference was that you were either drunk or high. I had to calm you down. and talk you through what was on your mind as always. But it was just a cover. I'm not sure if it was to cover your feelings for me so that we can actually do those things.. or stay friends. And not till recently I finally gained the courage to say something. I couldn't take doing it anymore. I couldn't take being ignored all the time and being used as some.. pick up. I've been your closest friend since middle school even though I was a mess. I was always there to listen to you when others wouldn't and they would blow you off. I wanted you to know that you are never alone. And you still aren't alone.
I'm still here. But you have that .. thing now.
I hope you don’t cheat, lie and sneak around on this one.
I'm not going to be there to save you if you wouldn't let me in. So let me?