Disgusted.

Two different jobs, school, family. I don't have time for myself. And when I do, I have no interest in what I used to have deep passion for. I drift, and wonder about other things. I worry. And I don't seem to like anything. I'm distorted, and I'm just thinking too rationally. My words blurt out in magnificent colors on paper. My descriptions of my stories become even more connected with my personal experiences and it's just going to spill out. I just have no interest in keeping myself happy anymore. I'm not doing things that I want to do anymore because I have no idea what I want. 

I'm starting to seek out ways to reveal to myself that I can be independent. That I don't need someone to push me along as a lover. I don't need that lovey dovey relationship that everyone says they want. It seems to force me down, makes me slower. 

I feel anxious and nervous that I'm 'successful'. That I'm making 'paper' and that I will soon have my own motorcycle, that I bought and not my parents. 

And since I've always had someone to tell me they loved me, that I was beautiful and pretty and cute or whatever you can think of. They said they loved me but stripped me of my dignity. I didn't think. I was so lost in my 'love'. And I confused love for lust.

And yet again I'm striving to be this girl that you just love. The image that is shown on the internet, magazines, and even at school. Half naked, almost anorexic girls. 

The two things I feel that I can never be. Skinny, tall and drop dead gorgeous. 

The way you look when you think of her when you're talking to me kills me.

It will always be this way. It's always been this way. 

Falling in love with my best friend. You'll always love her. or another girl. and another. 

Then when that doesn't work out. Cheat, cheat. . . cheat. Cheat on them with me. 

That;s who I'll always be. The Rebounder. That girl that you call, that you KNOW will always pick up. The girl you know that will always cheer you up even after something terrible has happened.

Just when you started to fall for me, you ignore me. And put more effort in some girl who doesn't give a rats ass about your happiness, but only your image and your money. 

Thanks. No matter how much I dislike your decisions and your weird devotions. 

I'm still oh . . soo. . in love with you. 

It's pathetic. Someone just come into my life. 

If you don't like me in that way, why would you always come back? I'm not just some hit it and quit it. 

I'm your fucken best friend.