Breathe Every Second You Have

It's funny how things can turn out. It's only been two years technically since we've graduated. And we've all grown so much. I think it's funny how I'm growing as a person and it kinda scares me also. I'm so afraid of what can change and everything that can happen. Everything seems to be going fast pace and I don't think I'm ready to move on with it. My siblings are all growing up and to be honest I'm scared to death to see them grow up. They are my little girls. And I'm not sure if I'm emotionally stable to actually stay. This stupid thing with my father is getting out of hand, and I'm not sure if I can stay to protect my babies anymore. Because it doesn't seem like they need saving anymore. They are so grown up and are well aware of what is going on around them. But then again I seem to be in this loop that they'll always be my babies. And that they will never grow up. I think I can finally move out but I don't want to leave them in such irresponsible hands. I just feel so sad when I even talk about looking for another place to live. But I honestly think I need to grow even more as an individual. I feel like I'm restricted by my father, even though my mother seems to want me to open up and do whatever I please. I feel like my father wants me to satisfy him throughout just because I'm his daughter whatever that is. He doesn't care about my well being just so long as I provide him money for smokes and food. What a joke. And that I should get married have children and not have to work at all. It's so different now. I've dropped almost everything just to do what I want. I feel like a teenager finally even though I'm turning 20 in two months. It's ridiculous. Right? I was able to quit my unhappy routine job because my parents finally saw how unhappy I was. And my confidence in myself was lower with every waking moment I worked there. I felt ashamed that I worked there and didn't even speak the language. It scared me. I was so scared of being rejected. I was rejected so much and it hurt. I felt weak, And I'm still in my weak state right now. But it seems like the biggest pain I had just got released. I felt so .. relieved when I quit that job. I feel amazing. And happier. I look great too. I'm finally shedding off extra weight that just wouldn't leave and I'm eating healthier and I'm happy. The only thing bringing me down is family. I'm not sure what to do in my situation. Because we have so many kids in the family I'm not sure when I'm able to leave for sure. Especially with that ten year age gap with the youngest sister seems to be a hassle. By the time she graduates High School I'll be 28. Jesus. I'm scared for the future but I still live in now. I'm living every damn moment. And breathing every second I have. Because I'm thankful. Thankful that I'm able to live through all the good things and horrible things that have happened. I wonder what specific other.. what person will still love me with as much love as I love them knowing all the terrible things that has happened to me and what I have done. I just wonder. Who can accept me for all the crazy things that have happened. Can you bare my story?